Every year I do a different type of Spring Cleaning. Instead of breaking out the Pledge and throwing out old phone chargers, I open the windows, breathe in the cherry blossoms and do a Facebook purge. It beats the hell out of wiping down flat surfaces.
I’ve got a simple list of criteria for unfollowing people’s posts. (Side note – huge props to Mark Zuckerberg for that unfollow function that allows us to shut somebody’s online pie hole while avoiding “De-friending” tension at the next Christmas party. Well played).
If you like to post the following, sorry, but it just didn’t work out between us. At least we can still be friends.
If you labelled them all “Gluten Free!”, I may have de-friended you.
I’m trying to clean up my sailor mouth and your F bombs weren’t helping.
3. “WELL, THAT WAS STRANGE…??”
I’m sorry you were the first born who didn’t get enough attention at home, but passive aggressive pleas for attention creep me out.
4. “I BOOKED IT!!!”.
This one’s just for the actors. Spill the beans about your gig, post your selfie from set if you must, but don’t keep unemployed actors guessing about your success.
5. “SO SICK. CAN’T SLEEP”.
If you’re over the age of 15, nobody cares. They’re too busy posting dozens of pictures of their kids.
6. POSTING DOZENS OF PICTURES OF YOUR KIDS.
7. DAILY QUOTES FROM YOUR 3 YEAR OLD.
Don’t take offense, this one’s actually on me. I just tend to get emotional thinking of that little miracle and the miracle of the 361,000 other little miracles being born every day. And I just lose it. Can’t be doing that to me all the time.
8. MORAL OUTRAGE.
* Unless it’s about racism or hockey officiating.
8(a). MORAL OUTRAGE WITH GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.
9. SELF HELP.
I know that my celestial spirit child is my true inner voice and that if I just allow it to breathe my spiritual circle of life will be complete. Thanks. No, I don’t need to do the weekend retreat/seminar. No, I will not tell 3 friends!
OMG, Just TALK to that nice person beside you and ask them to take the picture of you and your “bestie”, so that everybody can comment “hottie!”. You can then, like, check for those comments through, like, literally the entire concert. K? Purr-fect.
If you’ve unfollowed or de-friended me upon reading this, I totally understand. Just please say hello at the Christmas party. Gotta keep up appearances, right?